


Hidden in the Wanting

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Disability, F/M, Love, Mutual Pining, Post-Season/Series 04, Scars, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:40:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22036438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: Chloe can't have what she wants. Even if he came back, he wouldn't want her as she is now. So she finds a way to want what she is given.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 22
Kudos: 189





	Hidden in the Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> I write plenty for other fandoms, but this is my first here. I'm stealing from the comic because it helps my plot work. Given all the names he has, I think it's justifiable.

Chloe Decker wanted a lot of things. Most of them she wasn't going to get.

She wanted a new car. But saving for Trixie's inevitable college tuition left that out.

She wanted to throw her cane in the garbage. But the pain in her hip told her that she would regret it.

She wanted to hold the Devil in her arms just one more time. But she knew he would laugh and turn away from her when he saw what she had become. He, who had surrounded himself with beauty while on Earth because he had had so little in Hell. Why would he want someone as ugly as her?

As much as it would hurt, she would push him away if he returned. He deserved someone better than her. That thought consumed her so much at times that she had found herself screaming it at Trixie during a fight that had started with Trixie wanting to go to Lucifer's penthouse.

It would have been too difficult for Chloe to stare at that now empty space. Almost two years away from him hadn't faded her memory of his smile, his tears, his sheer love of life as humans knew it. It hurt to remember though. It hurt to think that he, the Prince of Hell, was now suffering in it.

It hurt to think that the woman he loved on Earth was now gone.

It had happened a year ago. She had followed leads on a case by herself. She had chased down the suspect and cornered him. But he had pulled out knives. And he had been as good with them as she knew Maze was. He had torn into her hip. Slashed her across the face more than once. Then Dan had come. Dan had tackled the suspect and immobilized him almost immediately. But by then the damage to Chloe had been done.

Maze was the one to take her to the hospital. She was the one to fight Chloe during her recovery. To coax her to walk. Hey, weren't walking sticks all the rage? To keep her from hiding. Trixie missed her mom and needed her, badly. To help her take those first steps back into the precinct. The bad guys still needed to be caught, and Chloe's brain could handle that. Dan could do the running now.

Although Penelope Decker had been the one obsessed with appearances most of Chloe's life, the Detective found herself worrying about them as she gazed on her co-workers. Her mistakes were now slashed across her cheeks. So she kept her head down as she settled at her desk.

Nobody but the Lieutenant had said a word about the scars. And the Lieutenant's only words about them were "Do not go anywhere without backup."

So Chloe had soldiered on, as her Dad would have. As she knew Lucifer was doing, down in Hell. But Mick Volka, the knife expert, had taken something vital from her with each slash. Her sense of self-worth.

Where Lucifer had pointed out her strengths, Volka showed her her weaknesses. She was not strong enough to save herself. She was not smart enough to know when to cut her losses and run. And now she was not attractive enough for anyone. For, although nobody said anything about the scars on her face, they all turned away within seconds of seeing them. Even Ella.

She now knew how the Devil felt when he looked in the mirror at his true form. She wanted to smash all the mirrors around her so she wasn't constantly faced by her flaws.

Some days, she could barely control her anger at herself and her pain.

It got so bad that a month before the anniversary of Lucifer's departure, Dan sat her down in the kitchen of her apartment and handed her a business card.

"I'd like you to see someone," her ex-husband said, carefully watching her face. "No, it's not a therapist. We all know we're only safe with Linda when it comes to that. This is just someone who might help you de-stress a little."

Chloe looked at the card. It only had a drawing of a piano and a phone number on it. No name or occupation.

She looked over at Dan. "What do they do?"

"They give you what you want."

\----

Chloe trusted Dan enough to believe that whoever or whatever was behind the business card wouldn't hurt her. Dan wouldn't want her hurt. He knew she was already hurting. She could see the worry come off him in waves when she talked about possibly quitting or giving him full custody of Trixie.

But it was odd that Dan would give her a business card without any identification whatsoever.

She looked up the phone number in a couple of places, including the LAPD database. She came up empty handed.

So she stuck the card in her wallet and forgot about it for a week. But then she tripped over one of Trixie's Lego Martian outposts. The pain jarred through her hip as she hit the floor, prompting her to lash out at what caused the pain. Then she regretted making her daughter cry.

Trixie helped her mother up with tears in her eyes. As Chloe put her weight on her cane, Trixie looked up at her worriedly. "Did you call the number? Dad said he gave you the card. Did you call the number?"

"Not yet, Monkey," Chloe said, wondering if Dan told their daughter that she needed a spa break or something of the like.

"You need to. Please!" Trixie pleaded.

Chloe sighed as she hugged her daughter. Then she grabbed her wallet and her phone and made the call.

\----

Anonymous voicemail picked up a moment after the number started ringing, so Chloe hung up. She turned to her daughter to tell her that it wasn't working when her message app pinged. There was a message from the number she just dialed. It said, 'Meet me in the piano lounge of the Culver Hotel in 30 minutes. Accommodations have been arranged for your child.'

Chloe stared at her phone for a moment, then looked into Trixie's knowing brown eyes. "You should wear something nice," Trixie said with a smile.

Chloe nodded and made her way carefully to her room, where she put on a flowing dress in navy that she had worn only once before. Girls night out hadn't turned out well for her, so she had shoved the dress into the back of her closet.

But she decided to take another chance on it this night. Although all of this seemed a rather odd way to get her out of the house to relax, she knew that her family was trying to help her. At the very least, she'd spend some time listening to music and dreaming of Lucifer.

Dan's presence in her living room was not a surprise, nor was his offer to take Trixie for the night. She thanked him and hugged her daughter before heading to the hotel.

The hotel was just what she needed. It was classy, but comfortable. Much like the nightclub the Devil had called home. She was directed to the lounge immediately after she approached the front desk. She was told her party was already there, waiting for her.

But how could they have known? She didn't give them her name.

Cautiously, she entered the lounge. The room was dimly lit to highlight the spotlights on the piano player. He was tall with wavy blond hair and was wearing a well-cut suit. Chloe let out a sigh of disappointment. Part of her had hoped she was coming here to meet Lucifer, even though she knew that was impossible.

She found the music entrancing, despite her initial reaction. So she sat in a comfortable chair near the door and listened. The piano player was good, mixing in classical music with modern piano rock. Chloe found herself smiling and humming along when she least expected it. Especially on the last song of his set.

It was one from Elton John. She had heard the song on the radio, but never paid it much mind until that moment. But she listened to every word as the blond man sang it. Because right then, it spoke to her. And when the refrain washed over her, the piano player's eyes met hers.

"Laughing like children, living like lovers. Rolling like thunder, under the covers..."

His smile and the suggestiveness of the refrain made her smile in return. He wasn't the person she wanted. But she let herself imagine that he could give her the feeling she wanted.

Of course, it was only a fantasy, a small one at that. So she was shocked when the piano player stood up after his set and came straight over to her.

"Hello, Madame Chloe. I've been waiting for you," he said as his green eyes once again locked with hers.

"Hello, uh.." Chloe felt awkward, but only for a moment. For in the next instance, he whispered in her ear, "Some call me Sam."

"Sam, then." She smiled at him. "You play beautifully."

"And you are beautiful." His accent was British, just like Lucifer's. But it was sharper, somehow.

Chloe figured he could not see her scars or her cane in the low lighting. But as he grasped her hand to guide her to her feet, he moved her cane so her free hand could reach it.

He must have been lying then. Well, the lie made her feel good, so there was no reason to call him out on it.

"Come madame. I have a few things in my room to help you relax." And with that, he tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow and led her upstairs.

Once in his room, he offered her some wine and a massage. She found this odd. But maybe Dan had really paid for some type of spa experience for her, so she agreed. He modestly waited in the office room of the suite until she had stripped and situated herself under the sheet he had untucked from the bed for her.

When he came back into the bedroom, she saw that he had removed his suit jacket and rolled up his sleeves. But he hadn't done anything else to keep the massage oil he was pouring into his hands from ruining what looked like expensive clothes.

She sighed. Did Dan hire someone who could act like Lucifer because he realized she was still pining? She hoped not. That would make this night very awkward.

But as she watched, he neatly spread oil on her arm and soothed the muscles within it.

So she closed her eyes and imagined that her partner was taking care of her. It wasn't hard. Sam was good at this. His hands soothed in a way that bordered on magical. He cradled her hip and finally loosened the muscle that had pained her for weeks. It felt so good to have it pain free. So much so that she had to bite her lip to keep from calling out to the Devil in thanks.

When Sam stepped away to say that he was finished, she sat up to give her thanks where it was actually due. But when she offered him a tip, he shook his head. "It is good enough to know that I helped you," he said softly, his British accent hitting her heart in ways she didn't want to admit.

She couldn't bear to wallow in misery when she finally let go of some of the physical pain. So she did what her partner would have most likely suggested. She kissed Sam to give him her thanks.

\----

Chloe ended up having sex with Sam that night. She didn't know if it was part of what Dan had paid for. She couldn't really be mad at him if it was. She knew she had been awful lately, both to him and to Trixie.

Still, Chloe wanted to know if Dan had felt that desperate. But Sam shook his head at any mention of money.

The detective knew that the blond man didn't really want her. He was either doing it for payment or out of pity. But when he reached for the zipper of the dress she had put back on, she didn't refuse. She needed to release the overwhelming tension in her somehow.

She did it Lucifer-style. It was a fun romp with a bit of laughter, a bit of 'thunder' like the song he had been playing earlier. The gentleness did not leave even though she insisted this was just for fun. Again, he cushioned and cradled her hip as if it were spun glass, this time making sure it was minimally jostled while he thrust into her.

But that was the only bit of perfection in their joining. There was no smooth seduction, no expert movements that she would have expected out of Lucifer. In fact, his hands shook as they ran over her skin. Somehow, that made it better. It felt like less of a betrayal to give her body to an imperfect mortal. 

Their little bit of fun chased away her melancholy for a time. But when she rested in his arms in the dark, it wasn't Sam's face that she saw. 

That wasn't fair to him, so she decided it was time to leave. But he still invited her back the next night. "You don't relax enough. Your pain takes you over so much. Too much. I lived like that for a long time. I know it's not good."

So she came back the next night. It was fun, but Chloe found she needed just a little more to get the same satisfaction that she had had the night before. While they were joined, she whispered, "Tell me you want me." She wanted the lie, the illusion that she was still worthy of someone.

"I want you," he whispered back immediately. Then he said it again with a small stutter over the word 'want'. Chloe thought it was just the heat of the moment that caused that imperfection. But when he said it again an hour later as they rested in the afterglow, the first 'I want you' was as warm and smooth as the silk shirts her partner used to wear. But the second that came immediately after again contained a stutter in the word 'want'.

Even though that mysterious stutter confused Chloe, feeling wanted while she was in someone's arms definitely helped her. She slept better after she left Sam's arms. She was able to work with more enthusiasm and more ideas the next morning.

It also helped that someone began leaving her a cup of coffee on her desk before she came in. But she was not happy that the person (or someone else) rearranged the case file or whatever mapped-out board she was using that day. That was, until she realized that the new order that had been created invariably led her to another clue that she might not have found otherwise.

She asked around the precinct, wanting to thank whomever had been so thoughtful. But nobody admitted to either favor. In fact, most of them wished that someone would bring them coffee.

So she went back to work, then back to Sam's arms that night and every night for the next week. She knew she needed to stop. Dan was getting less sleep because Trixie was at his place every night. And although they never talked about themselves while they rested in that bed in the Culver Hotel (she still didn't even know his last name), Chloe knew that she could find herself becoming attached to that little stutter Sam had when he said, 'I want you.'

So she was glad when Sam didn't answer her call with a text three nights before the anniversary of Lucifer's descent back into Hell. She spent that night with Trixie, reading stories in bed and laughing about the little things in life. Like they used to.

Sam didn't answer her the next two nights either. So she worked late on a case then spent another night of fun with Trixie.

But somehow her days were mirroring the loss of comfort in the night. Each morning she tried not to miss the cup of coffee that wasn't there or cringe to find her files sorted in the way she had left them the night before.

It made the day she was dreading that much harder. She found herself irritable, restless. She snapped at almost everyone who crossed her path. At 3pm, she finally gave up and went home to try to deal with her pain.

On the night Chloe would have cried herself to sleep for the memory of the one she loved, she found a text on her phone from Sam. 'Can you join me for dinner?' it asked.

'Yes' she replied, knowing Lucifer would rather she have a distraction than wallow in pain.

An address came back. A little Italian restaurant near Lux. One where she had spent time with Lucifer, with Maze, once even with Amenadiel. She almost refused when she realized what restaurant it was. But she knew she had to move on. She had already started. She might as well keep moving. So she texted Sam her agreement, then went to get dressed.

Chloe took a taxi to the restaurant. Parking was abysmal in that area of town, and her hip was telling her that she didn't want to drive in circles. She might not be able to stand afterwards.

Sam was seated at a table when she arrived. He smiled and stood as she walked over, then held her chair for her, as if this wasn't the 21st century.

She sat down carefully. The taxi had given her a bumpy ride and she was starting to suffer for it. As she did, the phone sitting on the table rang.

Chloe automatically looked at the phone's screen as Sam picked it up. She couldn't see the number, but the name 'Beatrice' flashed across the top.

"I have to take this," Sam said apologetically as he moved to a quiet space towards the kitchen.

Chloe sighed. There had gone her illusion that he wanted her. She was now one of two people he saw, she imagined. Maybe more. Disappointed that she couldn't hold onto her fantasy, she stood up and dialed a taxi.

"Chloe. Chloe!" Sam exclaimed as he came out of the back of the restaurant. "Please don't leave."

The detective ignored him.

The taxi came quickly, even for this part of town. But it was one of LA's rare days of rain. When she stepped outside to get into the taxi, her cane slipped out of her hand and she fell.

"Chloe!" Sam yelled, seemingly from right behind her. His voice surprised her. She had been convinced he had gone back to his conversation with 'Beatrice' in the back of the restaurant. But now, she wasn't so sure.

Sam scooped her up and grabbed her cane. Then he gently deposited her in the taxi. Grabbing the takeout bag he had dropped on the sidewalk to help her, he crouched down so that he was looking up into her face. "Please let me help you go to wherever you wish to be."

Chloe nodded. As Sam got into the other side of the taxi's back seat, she told the driver, "Take us to Lux." 

She was in agony at the moment. She knew she'd be screaming in pain at the end of the taxi ride if she tried to go home. So she resigned herself to staring at emptiness in Lucifer's penthouse in order to save her hip.

Sam helped her out of the taxi after the short ride to the nightclub. He stood next to her with an arm around her to keep her from slipping a second time.

The nightclub was hopping when they entered, but Chloe paid it no mind. She guided Sam straight to the elevator in the back. The detective was concentrating so hard on staying upright that she did not see Maze slip away from the bar and approach them. She certainly didn't see the hand Sam raised to stop Maze before she could comment on their presence.

Chloe put in the code to start the elevator, her birthday, of all things. Then she looked at Sam with tired eyes. "I know the owner," she said. He nodded, but stayed quiet himself. She was glad for once that he didn't have to be entertained at every moment, like Lucifer did.

The pain and the exhaustion that came with it threatened to upend her a second time as they stepped out of the elevator. So Sam quickly bundled her into his arms and made his way to the bed. He laid her down gently. Her eyes closed almost immediately in relief of pain and pressure as the soft mattress supported her. So she missed seeing that the covers were off the piano and the sofas. She missed seeing Sam dig his phone out of his pocket to call Patrick, the bartender downstairs, to bring him up some of the aspirins they kept behind the bar. She missed the confident movements of a man in his element as Sam grabbed ice from the small fridge and a towel from behind the penthouse bar.

But she could not miss feeling the ice pack he gently laid against her hip or the soothing strokes of his fingers in her hair. Until exhaustion dragged her into sleep.

She woke a few times during the night as shooting pains went through her hip. The first time, Sam hovered over her as he handed her aspirin and water. The second had him picking up his phone, but she couldn't reach through her agony to hear what he said into it. 

The third had her staring at Amenadiel without really comprehending his presence. He seemed to be arguing with Sam, but she wasn't sure.

"It's too late for that. It was too late when I came back from helping you."

"Try it anyway," Sam said sharply. "This is a new injury. It should be able to help that."

Sam braced his arms around her and something softly touched her hip. Then sleep whisked her away again.

\----

The next time Chloe woke, the midday sun was streaming through the penthouse's huge window. She could feel the sun on her closed eyelids, so she didn't open them. 

Instead she listened to the conversation Sam was having with someone, probably on his phone.

"You must be patient. Your mother has been suffering most of the past year. The longer the pain lasts, the harder it is to let it go. I won't leave her alone to fight it, not even if I must stay like this for the rest of her life." Sam shifted on the bed. "You are allowed to cry, Beatrice. I spent much of last night in tears. I love you and your mother so much. I wholeheartedly regret not coming when you first called to me."

Chloe sighed. Sam's Beatrice had called yesterday to ask for his help, she was sure of it. She would have to apologize for leaving him instead of giving him some support.

Sam shifted again. This time Chloe could hear a sniffle. Then her eyes shot open as she heard a very familiar young voice say, "But Maze said you were trying to keep us safe."

"I will find a way to do both, darling." The blond man said as Chloe watched her daughter wrap an arm around his neck.

Before Chloe's muddled mind could make sense of the scene in front of her, Dan walked up to the bed, then took a step back as something dark and fiery flashed in Sam's eyes.

"Whoa. Sorry, man. I was just looking for Trixie. She told me that she was going to the bar to ask Maze something." Dan looked a little nervous, but didn't seem to be overly concerned at Sam's tense state.

A moment later, Sam relaxed. "I apologize, Daniel. Of course you are concerned for the urchin." He gave Trixie a smile. "I am a bit jumpy, I'm afraid. Chloe spent much of last night in pain."

Dan's eyes moved behind Sam until they locked with Chloe's. "Do you know she's awake?"

Sam turned on the bed and stared at his bedmate. Suddenly, his expression became shy. More shy than she had ever seen from Sam. In fact, he looked as shy as Lucifer had been right before they had kissed on the beach for the first time.

Chloe's brain finally started to process the scene in front of her. Trixie was comfortable with Sam. Dan was at least semi-comfortable with him. Sam called Trixie Beatrice. There was only one person outside of school staff who did that. But he was in Hell, wasn't he?

Maybe he wasn't. Chloe had seen something ominous in Sam's eyes when Dan had walked over to the bed. But the man in the bed had said his name was Sam when he had come over to her in the hotel piano lounge, and Lucifer had vowed to himself to never lie.

Wait, that wasn't right. He had said 'Some call me Sam.' And somewhere in the deep recesses of the nights on Google doing research on the Devil, she remembered that one of his many names had sounded like..."Sam. Samael. Lucifer?!"

The man next to Chloe closed his eyes. Then slowly, his blond hair darkened and shortened as it curled more closely to his scalp. Stubble grew on his chin as his face changed shape and the hairs on his arms darkened. He shivered as the last of the changes on his chest and legs took hold. A moment later, the Devil she knew opened his dark brown eyes and gave her a weak smile.

"I hope you're not disappointed, Detective," Lucifer said softly.

In answer, Chloe reached out and pulled the Devil into a hug that put Trixie's to shame.

\----

It took a few minutes for Chloe to calm herself enough to pull back. By then, both she and Lucifer had tears in their eyes. Trixie, however, was all smiles.

Dan just coughed and suggested to Trixie that they go out for lunch and come back to the penthouse in a few hours.

Trixie hesitated for a moment, but Lucifer reminded her, "I will be here for her." The twelve year old then nodded and hugged them both before heading to the elevator. Dan followed along after a glare at Lucifer to remind him that he would make sure that promise was upheld.

Once the elevator descended, Lucifer turned back to Chloe. "Let me run you a bath before you try to walk."

Chloe agreed with a nod. So the Devil cradled his love in his arms and carried her to the bathroom. He knelt to attend to the jacuzzi while she took care of a few morning necessities, then he eased her into the hot water. He moved to return to his kneeling position on the floor by her head when she pulled on his arm. "I'm not letting you be where you can escape me. Get in here. You need to answer some questions."

Lucifer chuckled softly as he removed his silk boxers and slid into the water next to her. A moment later, he had a lap full of homicide detective. So he wrapped his arms around her and said, "Ask away, love."

"Who calls you Sam?" Chloe asked pointedly.

"Raziel and Rae-Rae, usually when they're angry at me." A kiss settled into Chloe's hair as he waited for the next question.

"When did Trixie contact you? *How* did Trixie contact you?"

Lucifer tightened his arms around Chloe. "Two months after that madman attacked you. She prayed to me, rather loudly, demanding that I come help you. But I couldn't. The demons were still a threat to Earth. In fact, I wasn't able to completely quell the rebellion until a little over a month ago, Earth time. But as soon as I was able, I contacted Amenadiel so that I could talk to Beatrice about your condition. We met at Linda's office. That's when she told me about your intention to reject me. Linda, as always, had the best advice. She told us that sometimes humans needed to be with a person outside their sphere to help them see the ones around them properly."

Chloe chuckled as she realized that Lucifer misinterpreted the therapist yet again. Then something else occurred to her. "I thought you only had two forms." She touched the scars on her cheek as she remembered the scarred form that God had left his favorite angel with. The scarred form that she had wanted to soothe. 

Lucifer kissed her scars gently before responding to her. "I thought so too. I hadn't been blond since right before I started to question Dad. This form was part of that questioning. I wanted to know why I couldn't choose the way I looked. Dad got pissed when I showed up like this, so he forced me to stay in this form whether I liked it or not. Then I started the war, and the Devil form became my punishment. I was not blond ever again, until the urchin suggested that I disguise myself to help you."

Chloe shifted to look into Lucifer's face. "Was it your Dad's doing?"

Lucifer shrugged. "I didn't ask any of my siblings about it, so I have no idea. I simply knew it was something I could use to get you the help you needed."

"Thank you," Chloe said softly. "I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until I spent time with Trixie when Sam was gone for a few days. It had been months since I spent any decent time with her."

"Then I am glad Amenadiel pulled me back to the Gates to discuss something. Beatrice didn't know how to stop you from pulling away from her. Many of the others, including Daniel and Miss Lopez, didn't know how to handle their guilt concerning the attack on you. Linda believes you interpreted their unease as rejection." Lucifer shifted Chloe carefully back to his side. "Perhaps you should talk to Linda about it, or one of the counselors the precinct employs."

"I'll consider it," Chloe said as she examined Lucifer's face. Her new position by his side was worrying. The Devil most often tried to keep people as close as possible. Well, the ones he was sexually attracted to, at least. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, love. I just didn't want my desires to interfere with answering you. And I have no idea if Samael's form has completely turned you off to me."

Chloe punched Lucifer lightly in the arm. "I fell in love with you, the Devil. The one who questions, the one who does everything he can for those he cares about. The one who risked being rejected again to help me get well. I don't want your Dad's perfect angel. I want you."

"And I want you. I love you," Lucifer whispered as he bent his head to kiss her. This time there was no stutter at all. But his hands still trembled as they ran over her skin.

"You're nervous!" Chloe exclaimed, realizing why he had seemed so human at the hotel.

"Of course I am! I've bloody well never been in love before! This is about more than a good time, and a good time is all I know how to give!" Lucifer pulled away with panic in his eyes. She could feel the fear of rejection radiate off him.

Chloe yanked him back into her arms before he got too far. "I want you, Lucifer, not the Kama Sutra. Help me to bed. Then help me learn about what you truly desire."

This time Lucifer pulled back just enough to look his love in the eye. "Really?"

Chloe smiled. "Really. Don't make me use my mojo on you to get an answer."

The Devil chuckled as he eased the detective out of the tub and to her feet. "I have what I truly desire. You are here with me. The rest can be negotiated."

"Then let the deals begin," Chloe said with a smile as Lucifer dried them both off and carried her to bed.


End file.
